a series of unfortunate events

I often joke around that I have awful luck, but it’s true. As I texted to Aurora earlier, aside from fun times with friends, there is absolutely nothing that goes my way and can’t remember the last time that anything did. There’s been a storm cloud hovering for years.

I mean, in relation to my career, I obviously bust seriously ass, and though I’m relatively successful in my tasks, that’s my job…that isn’t personal. I am gratified by the positive outcomes, but it’s balanced by a lot of crap. But everything personal, down the shitter. And I’m so tired of it, absolutely exhausted.

But yeah, everything aside from my friends who are there for me to hang, complain, and talk to…..everything else is down the drain. I want to scream. I want to throw stuff. I want to sleep for 20 hours straight.

And now I just received a letter from the IRS saying there was an issue with my 2008 tax return and I owe thousands. Motherfucker. Looking at the paperwork, it’s nothing major, just that I OWE A LOT OF DAMN MONEY. And it gets interest if not paid in full by the end of the year… which is in four weeks. I’ll call tomorrow, but the breakdown seems correct…sigh.

I guess it’s not a major big deal, I’ll pay it off over time, but still. It’s not like I have thousands just chilling in the bank. I’ve been financially independent since high school. Though I went to UD on full scholarship, everything that wasn’t covered I paid for…off campus housing, food, drinks, equestrian team, travel, fun, etc. I had a part time job, but still. Which is when I opened a credit card. Then after college I had to live off my paltry Rainbow paycheck to cover my car insurance, car payment, food, drinks, fun, travel, home furnishings, etc. And the credit card debt piled up. Nothing too extreme, but my living costs outweighed my paycheck.

Then NYC… I’ve been here for five years and I still live paycheck to paycheck and have to end up putting things on the credit card once real money runs out before the next paycheck. And I don’t really spend stupidly. I take the occasional roadtrip and still try to enjoy my time out with friends, but I don’t go overboard. I live in a very small apartment way uptown, I make most of my meals at home, I don’t buy coffee out, I unplug all my stuff….ugh. I’ve always been paying down my cc debt significantly, but it’s still there despite it’s decreasing digits.

I’m just tired of doing everything “right”. I’m honest, I work hard, I donate, I volunteer, I try to lead a kind life, and just bad luck still follows me out. In addition to my current and sudden financial woes, I’ve lost a few important friends, my stupid knee is not getting better at all, I have to do some pretty bullshitty stuff at my desk that would probably make you cry, I’ve had to sacrifice a lot of fun lately for obligations, there’s a damn mouse that moves from my kitchen to my living room WHICH IS THE SAME DAMN ROOM, sirens keep blaring all night, I had to ride a bus from Boston last night at 1 am getting into NYC at 5 am because a hotel wasn’t an option in the trip budget, and so so so much more that I just don’t have the energy to finish.

Sigh. I just don’t know what to do.
And to be honest, based on my track record… I have full faith that I’m going to bomb the LSAT. I’m going to freak out and my brain is just going to shut off for 4 hours. Because that’s how things go for me, downwards. Part of me wants the good score so I’ll have an escape route, but the other part of me is the realist that knows that this plan probably won’t go through.

(Don’t get me wrong, I love management, but my situation isn’t enough to sustain a life…more like a time.)

ARAGJAJAHAJHHHUUUFFFGGGG.
I’ll survive, I just had to vent.

this, that, the lsat

In one week, I’ll be taking the LSATs.

I’ll be honest, I feel very unprepared and rushed and I have not been able to dedicate as much time prepping for the test as I thought I would. It’s not the content, it’s the time. I do really well on the practice tests when not timed, yet when I set the timer for 35 minutes, I fluster and dwell and second guess. I have seven days to get over it.

Since I still can’t run until next Sunday, I’ve been biking and doing the elliptical at the gym. I can’t simply do just one thing if I’m not outside or running, so I’ve been reading trashy magazines on the gym rack. I found the below linked article in a magazine I normally don’t read while sweating out my anxieties. Perhaps it’s a sign?

http://www.marieclaire.com/world-reports/inspirational-women/pretty-face-jennifer-justice

the next step…

This is a bit delayed, but catching you up is bette late than never!

So I’ve been putting a lot of thought into my career and my next steps in life during the past few months. I’ve decided to pursue law school, concentrating in entertainment and sports law. Well, I’ve thought about thinking about it. There are a few steps to take before really considering it…

I registered to take the LSATs in December, though I’m on a waiting list since NYC testing sites are already booked. Apparently if demand is high enough, they’ll open up another testing location, so fingers crossed. If I can’t take the LSATs then, I can take them in February, but I won’t get the test scores back until after applications are due, so the test score won’t help me decide on which schools are out of reach. Or if I should should just not apply if the score is too low, ha! I bought two LSAT study books, so hopefully with proper preparation, I won’t be surprised.

Based on the score and where I apply, I have to decide on if I want to try to balance part time school with work (either this job or another), or take the time off and go to school full time since obviously I’m not ahead of schedule. Additionally, location is a factor. Schools I have looked at so far are in NY, PA, and DC…

I’ll let you know my progress…

reUDnite weekend

Heheh. Hehehehehe. I don’t even know where to begin…

A group of us from college have been trying to plan a weekend excursion for months…and it finally happened. There will be photos once we’ve all uploaded, but until then, enjoy the monolog:

Friday – Met up with Brittany at our hotel early since I was already in DE… She works at Marriott and we got a sweet deal for our rooms, and the hotel was so fancy for being in Newark! Since we had hours to wait until the others arrived, we went to the gym to catch up while burning calories.

Jen, Hillary, and Laurie arrived roughly the same time and we all jumped and squealed like the beamy girls that we are. It was rainy and gross but we decided to brave the elements regardless and head to our usual feeding haunt, Homegrown Cafe. During the entire walk we reminisced about the good ol’ days and how UD has so many more perks for their students than we had…have you SEEN Independence Hall?? Seriously. And the rape path doesn’t exist anymore…they have a bridge! Yay for safety. Race ya to the blue light. And we saw deer.

Homegrown was delicious as always… A really bad band played and the guy behind us was really into it so naturally I had to take some snarky photos with him peering over my shoulder. We drank, we caught up, they heard horrid stories from work, it was grand. Off to Kates…

Which SUCKS now. Sucks. It smelled…full of yo boys, the music was awful, and there was cougar dry humping. We abandoned our drinks and headed to Grotto’s, the old standby. We had beers and shots and found a new balloon friend named Lenny. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in such a long time. I can’t even remember what we talked about, except for boobs and “hey, remember when” stories and we sang along to the crappy/awesome playlist. It felt so good. Though we all stay in touch with each other, we haven’t had group facetime since our bar crawl in ’04.

I wasn’t done with my full beer, so after we left I decided it would be best if I took it with me. I shoved it in my jacket and off we went. Once outside, Laurie and I sang Jay Z’s “Empire State of Mind” while drinking and dancing with our bounty. Though I kept looking around for cop cars, we were safe. Until we crossed the street…
Though this part is fuzzy, this is what I recall:
“Hey ladies…”
“Heyyyyyyyyy!”
“Undercover cop, come with me”
And then I pissed myself.

The girls walked off ahead of Laurie and me and I think I’m in shock. The cop asks for my license and registration…obviously I call him out on his mistake, as I was on foot and not driving. He starts asking us questions, to which I tell him we weren’t drinking, just posing and he can see the proof if he wants. Laurie then takes photos of me and the other cop, who was minimally amused. I wasn’t pleading, just being chatty because I honestly thought he was screwing with us for a bit. And I see the other girls peering out from the fence which almost made me laugh out loud.

I tell them it’s our UD weekend and in NYC you can walk around with open containers. I also told him we were going o our hotel room because it’s “cool” and Newark is kinda “lame” now. And then he pulls out his little notepad of tickets and calls my info in.

Oh no, shit is getting realllllllll!

And I have no idea what else is said or done, but he said he’d let us go. I asked what he was going to do and he said “arrest you, take you to the station, issue a fine, and give you a court date.” Well, crap. Got out of it at least and it provides for an awesome story, but close call. But OF COURSE that would happen to us… We had a good laugh all the way home to the hotel… Then we played on the rolly things in the hotel and of course ordered DP Dough. A night is not complete without Dough.

And then I got sick all night.

Saturday – I missed the Newark walkabout with the girls as I had to go back to the hospital, but met up with them in time to get souvenirs from the 5&10 and for Megan’s arrive. You know they have a UD Santa in the gift section?

We walked back to the car and took a shortcut through our old building, Pearson Hall, and walked passed the studio, which sadly wasn’t open. Ah, life. The best and worst memories were made in that damn studio, ha. We spent the rest of the rainy afternoon lounging around watching Halloween movies and gabbing. It was like a middle school sleepover, ha.

Dinner at Deer Park…followed by a night at Grotto’s, yes again. Where we talked, played with boobs, sang silly songs, hung out with the next table over, reflected on life, made fun of students, took cougar photos (rawr), took shots, drank, etc etc etc. We realized that we totally won at life. Things aren’t easy at all, and there are every day struggles, but we totally won. Though Megan won the best out of all of us. Though I think Laurie won at life for the evening…:-) My face hurt from smiling and laughing too much. BTW, our new Boston cop friends told me that I should thank my lucky stars the Newark cop let me go the night prior. Score.

After last call, Jen, Hillary, and I “conversed” with the Lane Hall students and informed them that they are wrong, Lane Hall actually does suck and we feel sorry for them. Laurie had to be scooped up from the sidewalk, and we bid our friends from Boston goodbye. It was a sloppy walk back but we had the buddy system and no one got hit by a train. Or stopped by an undercover cop. DP Dough was had again.

And then we all left each other on Sunday and were sad. Next reunion stop, Disney World. Or DC…Or NYC… Regardless, it won’t take 5 years like this past time! It was such a refreshing weekend and it was great to just have fun and laugh and be happy and not be anxious or worried or upset over life, boys, work, commitments, etc…

4 out of 6 of us in the elevator, I’ll post photos once they’re uploaded:

it’s the same old things that get me every time, get me every time, take me by surprise

i’ve been trying to not be so negative (i noticed that i have a lot of entries with the tag “woes”) but since this is my blog, i can do what i want. plus, i’ve tried to be more open and honest and have this blog be more about the me than random posting on miles and bands.

i try not to make a habit about blogging about people or names, especially if it’s unfavorable, but i highly doubt the person in question reads this blog, so i don’t mind so much.

maybe it’s been weighing heavily on my mind recently since i’ve been having weird dreams or i’m angsty or i like answers and i’m confused or because i don’t have much to do at work or because i talked a bit to his brother the other night about unrelated things and he came up. i don’t know!

basically, i think i lost a friend and more than that and someone who used to be one of my favorite people. or more aptly, he lost me.

we were absolute best friends for about a year-ish in college, lost touch, etc. reconnected. were never just friends after that, yet always sporadic going through bouts of intensity then fading away. of course we never addressed any of that because…i have no idea why. so after another period of nothingness we reconnected, were honest, open, all that good stuff. actual progression from the previous turmoil before…

but now, nothing. i totally feel that this past time, despite giving this person the benefit of the doubt in timing and (in)actions, when i tried to confront him about things that were bothering me rationally, i was pretty much abandoned and left hurt. interestingly, the things that were bothering me included the lack of effort, making plans with everyone but me, breaking plans, texting nearly the whole time while with me (funny, i saw most of it since it was plainly in front of me and of course the girl came into question later…). so i guess my hunches were right, and not that it mattered much since it wasn’t like we were anything defined, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less when you have words that contradict those actions. i had just wanted to talk since i was getting hurt and how to make that not happen with either boundaries or resolutions.

thinking i was the one who perhaps miscommunicated, i reached out again and i guess we agreed to talk about everything to figure out what is going on, and how not to have that happen again since we keep finding ourselves in a pattern that’s been going on for about seven years now. but since we agreed to talk, there’s been no set plans and i wouldn’t be surprised if it happens next year, let alone ever.

i’m confused on how anything i said or did could be misconstrued, but other than that, he and his brother seem to be differing on details as well… not that it’s really any of my business anymore, but still. i feel that there’s really nothing more i can do. i reached out way more times than i should’ve and i put all of my cards on the table, i’m not hiding anything and i don’t think i could say any more than i already have. it’s not in my hands any more,

granted, if i hurt one of my friends and ignored them for weeks, i would make it a priority to fix what was broken if i cared. and i want to think that if i was as important to this person as they kept saying i was, we wouldn’t be in this situation. but here i am…again, and it is/was tearing me apart. so i’m teetering on just admitting that i should cut my losses, thinking that i relied way more on words than i did actions. part of me wants to just face that i’ll probably never see this person again, but another part of me thinks something can be salvaged if we talked about it.

maybe it just hurts more when you think you can and want to believe someone, believe that they really do mean what they say. but maybe i was simply being foolish.

not trying to be negative, just honest with myself and pondering what the heck is wrong with me if i keep finding myself in this situation! that was kinda snarky, gotta keep it light hearted… hopefully this will have a happy ending, and i realize all problems get solved with time. it wouldn’t be bothering me this much if the person and situation weren’t important to me.

A million girls would die for this job

Everything “The Devil Wears Prada” is on TV, I have to watch it, and it was on alllll weekend. Granted, I own the movie and the book, but still. Passive viewing. I read the book before it became a movie as it was recommended to me by co-workers in my first year working in NYC. Boy, was/is it true! If there was ever a movie about my life, this would encompass 2005-2006 except in the music world, not fashion though there aren’t too many differences!

Here is the book synopsis, and the film summary. Basically: a girl lands a prestigious job in Manhattan slaving away working 16 hour days and sacrificing lots for a paltry paycheck as an assistant to one of the leading fashion magazine editors. Her mantra is that if she can survive a year there, she can land a position anywhere.

Don’t get me wrong, I (mostly) love my job now, but that wasn’t always the case. Though I probably mutter “how is this my life” nearly daily when I walk past Sarah’s desk, it was much much much worse. Some friends couldn’t believe the book/movie could be remotely close to the truth. Oh yes it could.

Looking back, I’m not sure how I survived. Perhaps it was because I talked to Chris B near every night as I cried while walking through midtown back to the bus to get home. Or because I escaped to Maryellen’s apartment to watch “House” and reality TV to bring normalcy to my days. Or maybe because I knew it could only get better and I only had to get through a year. A year is normal, a decent bullet point on the resume.

I was owned. Mostly because that was the job, but also because if you wanted to succeed and get ahead, there had to be early mornings and late nights. If you didn’t, someone else would. And seeing how I replaced someone who was fired, every day brought a risk.

First year highlights include:
- Having to get to work before the boss so I could prepare his water carafe and sliced lemon. One day I forgot the lemon…I didn’t forget a day after that “discussion”.
- I didn’t get to the phone on time since I was on the other line and voicemail got it. Again, that didn’t happen again after that “discussion”.
- I had to run to FedEx before it closed. Ran. The last one closed at 9:30 pm and was all the way on the west side. The location was closed but I saw the truck. And ran after the truck, and finally made it.
- Spent a full workday traipsing around the city trying to find the perfect cake for some event. None were “good enough” and I had to stay in the office until around 11 pm to actually do my day’s work.
- Lunch had to be perfect, if the delivery was not perfect, the day wasn’t perfect. Like if tomatoes weren’t cold.
- And I certainly can’t forget the day that Chris, Dan, Tanya, and I went to lunch and I couldn’t ignore my cell phone. I spent the next 15 minutes explaining certain channels on the cable box, all while trying to ignore the 3 fits of laughter going on at the table.

I tried to block out most of those bad memories, they’ll go in the book . It just got harrowing with things like the above were every day occurrences, just like in the book/movie.

And of course the whole fall of the personal social life. Sure I went to parties and events and gussied up, but that’s for work, not to hang out with the people who make up my inner circle. And I tried…(now it’s not so much an issue since obviously it’s been 4.5 years and you see who sticks and who drifts) but after leaving almost everything familiar to come to NYC, you hope that all of your close friends would remain your close friends through the thick and thin. At least I’m grateful that my favorites all have crazy schedules and obligations.

And lastly, a few quotes that are so true:

Emily: One time an assistant left the desk, because she, I don’t know, sliced her hand open with a letter opener. Miranda missed Lagerfeld just before he boarded a seventeen hour flight to Australia. She now works at TV Guide.
—-
Andrea: My personal life is falling apart.
Nigel: That’s what happens when you start doing well at work. Let me know when your entire life goes up in smoke, then it’s time for a promotion.