Changes, feeling lucky…

After enjoying a weekend spent reckless and reminiscing, I was reminded how lucky I truly am to have beautiful friends to make memories with, engage in provoking conversations with, and don’t hesitate to remind me of previous poor life decisions. A full post will come later. Despite everyone’s busyness and separate lives, it’s nice to swap emails and texts for in person interactions. There’s always time, we have a life full of time.

Though I’ve thoroughly have enjoyed my few days off from school, I’m excited to start again this week. Summer session runs for 8 weeks in the summer and I’ll have the end of July and all of August off. I’m taking an easy accounting class and a required drafting class so hopefully the classes balance well. Thankfully my class are once a week so I only have two days a week at school. Long days, obviously, but easier to pound out that way.

A few months ago I thought I’d be flying out to FL this week and heading to Disney World for a few days. Really bummed that the trip didn’t come to fruition since I haven’t been, the company would have been great, and was going to serve as a reward for a tedious first half of 2011. At the very least, it was a lesson that as well as you may think you know someone, there are always surprises and you can only really depend on yourself. Not being a downer, looking at my June calendar just reminded me of the cancelled plans and dissolved relationship since I hadn’t taken it off my calendar. I suppose a part of me thought something would have saved the trip.

I’m watching “Makeover: Extreme Weight Loss Edition” on ABC now, I think I may like it enough to watch again. Funny, I just realized that I haven’t had cable in a year, I now usually just watch the few shows I like online. I have analog stations on the tv so I’m able to get the major networks and TBS, albeit it a bit fuzzy since it’s obviously not in HD. (Holy crap, this chick lost 161 pounds in a year.)

On that note, bedtime. Supposed to be a high of 96 tomorrow which means that if I don’t want to be miserable, I need to wake up early to run tomorrow morning. I wish spring actually stayed for longer than a few days. I feel like a rough winter catapulted into summer without much of a graceful transition.

Redefining home

For the first time, I felt like I was a visitor rather than a returner.

Though I’ve called NYC “home” for a while now, the divide between my DE friends and usual stomps is evident from my NYC counter parts. The disconnect is strange but always heartwarming to catch up with friends you don’t see often enough, but keep in touch with digitally. I really do wish that I made the trek down more than a few times a year, I feel as though I’m missing out.

And moments like those spent in DE always make me question if somehow I stumbled off my path. I’ve always wanted something more than what DE could offer, but the people are irreplaceable. Mostly everyone I keep in touch with owns their own home and/or is married and/or has kids and I feel like I’m running on ice. Yes, I live in NYC and love my job and feel challenged and am always stimulated by the culture around me. I’m never bored. I get to go to a great school. I don’t need a car and anything I could ever need is within grasp. I truly feel as though NYC is the greatest city in the world.

But I still feel like I’m playing catch up, that sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever tire of the struggle and constant desire to be and do more.

2/3 done

Criminal Law exam in the can.
I think I did really well on the multiple choice and the first essay. I think I may have mixed up cases in the second essay. I knew them well going into the exam but blanked and froze when I had to regurgitate them. I’m too afraid to double check against my notes. Plus, it doesn’t really matter now.

And not to be a total asshole but having to solve A-list problems over the past three days took over crucial study hours. So I may have screwed up a case or two in my second essay, whatevs, Jay Z and I emailed each other this week. And that’s what really matters.

Now I just need to rock Civ Pro and my 1L year will be officially over.

I have a lot to say on here…but I’m exhausted.
Yawn.

Redemption

Last night, I had two scares. One, I dreamt that I had a Spanish final that I didn’t prepare for and I panicked since I don’t know Spanish or Spanish Law and no one knew which of the two the final covered. I also woke up in the middle of the night and thought someone was standing over my window. I have my curtains gathered in the middle of each pane so it looked like a fat man’s legs dangling. I seriously sat up staring at my window confused and wondering if I was about to die.

Needless to say. I didn’t sleep well afterwards thanks to either account. I set my alarm for 7 am and woke up at 8 am instead. I aimed for 18 miles and only tallied off 14. AT least I know that my legs still work…?

I started off the morning with coffee and boats (banana oats). In the bowl… oatmeal, oat bran, chia seeds, plain greek yogurt, mango greek yogurt, crushed almonds, soy milk, and a banana.

As usual, I didn’t *feel* like running, so I was a bit sluggish getting out the door. I kept telling myself that once I started, I’d feel a lot better about it. Of course I did, for the first 12 miles. I know I’ve done this to myself. Running just hasn’t been a priority with the move, school, work, and the weather. Excuses, but none the less valid excuses. When I signed up for the Delaware Marathon 6 months ago I was hoping it would be a PR race, but that was before everything got crazier than usual. I’m just trying to make it as less of a shitshow as possible.

I didn’t really have a plan, I decided that I’ll run over the Brooklyn Bridge then figure it out from there. I also brought a metrocard with me since I didn’t know where I’d end up, but also so I’d have an escape plan if I became completely miserable.

A few notes from the run…
Fucking tourists on the Brooklyn Bridge. LOOK AT THE PHOTOS!!! Bikers to the inside, pedestrians to the outside. I do NOT want to get run over by a bike because your heifer carcass and flock are taking up the entire lane to study your map of NYC. MEH! Also, I’m running. I do not want to take your photo. There were hundreds of tourists out at 9 am, ask one of them.

I felt good. I wanted to take it slow, but with the lack of running I’ve done over the past few months, I’m surprised that I didn’t really struggle.

I ran along the Hudson River. Then I ran in Central Park.
My feet hurt. I think I’m overdue for new shoes. Not an achy hurt, but a “I can really feel the ground and lack of support from my kicks.”

It was hot. I’m used to running in below 40 degree weather since it’s been so damn cold in the morning. It takes your body about 2 weeks to acclimate to warmth, so I was unprepared. I’ve been running in tights and long sleeves lately, even shorts and a tee was a complete shock.

Tourists were everywhere in Central Park. I was not amused. I don’t mind the tourists, I mind the rude tourists.

My legs were like lead from mile 10 on. At mile 12 I just wanted to stop. I was tired and hungry and hot and thirsty. Only a few water fountains were on so I went longer than usual without taking water which made me cranky.

Once I got back to the west side of the park at 72nd I decided to stop at 14 instead of subjecting myself to 4 more miserable miles. Surprisingly I didn’t run as slow as I thought I did, I just don’t think I could have gone any further with tired feet and lead legs. But 14 is better than the 0′s I’ve been tallying!! Also, spinning workouts DO NOT make up for running. Hard lesson learned. Thanks to friends venting on Twitter, I noticed that many others didn’t have great runs this morning so I don’t feel too badly about the forgotten four miles.

Came home, showered, took a nap, read some Civ Pro, watched some of the Flyers game (it’s tied now, COME ON.), and after the game it’s all about Crim Law. Joy. I thought a lot during my run, especially about the issues I wrote about yesterday. Still conflicted, time will tell.

And lastly, these things are like crack. I’m certain I’ll finish the bag tonight. Brain fuel. Also, my legs hurt.

Lost…

I seemed to have lost my motivation. If you find it, please return it to me as soon as possible. I miss it.

I was supposed to run a 4 mile race this morning, but I didn’t *feel* like it. Granted it was pouring when I woke up and I don’t want to chance any sickness before finals and a 35 minute commute home last night took 90+ minutes thanks to subway construction. If I were excited about running the race, those two factors wouldn’t have kept me indoors. Instead, I did a 45 minute spin class and 30 minutes on the elliptical. Can I run a marathon on gym equipment instead of the asphalt?!

On a more positive note, I finished the rest of my crim reading and notes for the semester. WHEW. I still have classes and the final left, but at least all the prep work is finished. Tomorrow is a full day of civ pro and finalizing my final legal practice paper. It feels so good to be so close to being done. Does watching lots of Ally McBeal episodes count as studying?!

And speaking of lost and my lack of motivation, I’m feeling defeated in nearly every aspect. Though my conduct is benefitting others and I’ve been tallying off accomplishments, I just feel misdirected and that the blows I keep feeling aren’t earned. Maybe I’m just tired of being treated like a jerk, which flows into other…stuff. Meh.

Regarding a subject I’ve touched on before, the guy who I gave the ultimatum after too long of a time dancing around, I’m still conflicted. We haven’t talked in over a week, though we were still ‘working’ things out and it was his turn to reach out. I’m now wondering what the next step is and whether I should try to be more compromising even though I disagree. On one hand, this person was one of the most important people to me and I valued what we had, but on the other hand, I’ve been mistreated for a while. Of course the silence makes me anxious. I just don’t know what to do.

Related, someone else who I severed all ties with aside from work related tried to reach out and make me feel better because he heard that I was going though a rough patch. Though I appreciate the sentiment and effort, I reminded him that we’re not friends. In hindsight, that may have been a jerky thing to say. Also, there is no trust between us or even any knowledge of anything aside from work, so there’s no need to divulge anything about what I’ve been going through. Maybe I’m just being extra callous despite our friendly rapport to ensure that we’ll never be close again.

What is the matter with me, why do I self destruct and push people away after I feel wronged??
At least there is relief in sharing good company and full glasses…

“You know what makes my problems bigger then everyone else’s? They’re mine.” – Ally McBeal

Winning.

You guys….three things!

I was admitted into a “center” at school. If you have your shit together, you should align yourself with an academic center to help guide you and assimilate you with likeminded students and faculty on the same track. Boom. This girl is now a part of the Institute for Information Law & Policy. Or IILP for short. From the description:

After discussions between the faculty and the IILP research fellows, we discovered that one of the problems with the IILP is that we’re a little like “Fight Club”, people want to work with us, but we make it very hard for people to get in. While we don’t quite make prospective pledges stand in the rain for days at a time (denying that the Institute exists at all) we have been unable to provide many interested and capable students with the opportunity to become part of the life of the IILP.

Second, I found out today that I was selected for the the Music Law Job Track. Well, it should be a given (snark), but I was still worried. I had to write a little sumthin’ sumthin’ and submit a resume and wait. A large part of the program is meeting every other week with other students in the music law program with a “mentor” in the industry. I just really hope I get something out of it. Not to be a jerk, but um…I may have googled everyone else who was accepted who I didn’t already know. No offense to anyone involved, but most have no or minimal relevant experience in the music industry. And the few who do, it isn’t much… it’s stuff like playing in a band. That being said, this is why I’m afraid that I won’t get much out of the program aside from more focus on the legal aspect of my career, I’m already well-versed in the industry itself. Regardless, I’m excited to be a part of it and at least I’ll get close to my post-graduation competition .

And third…a new addition to the family! I still need to get a new Betta…

Unenthused & Scotland 10K Recap

I intended for yesterday to be full of exciting Civil Procedure and cleaning up my class notes. Instead, I watched Ally McBeal and sat on the couch with my computer and books closed. Thankfully I have Monday and Tuesday off of school so I don’t feel toooooo guilty. I think I needed an afternoon mentally off from cases and theory. I still did work, just not a whole day of it as anticipated. I LOVE my other two classes, just Civ Pro makes me want to gouge my eyes out with the highlighter. The lecture and professor I enjoy, the text is just completely boring.

Keeping with the trend of not doing things I should be doing, I didn’t run today. I just didn’t *feel* like it. I’m not sure if it’s still really cold in the morning (come on spring!) or if I’m just in a rut. I definitely should have done a double digit run and the day surely isn’t over, but I just don’t *want* to. I did go to an intense spinning class followed by 30 minutes on the elliptical, so the morning certainly wasn’t wasted. Hopefully this coming week is a bit warmer and since I only have classes one day this week, I’ll have more time to get miles in.

And speaking of running, I ran the Scotland 10K in Central Park last weekend. Though I’ve been keeping active, I admit that I haven’t been running as much. It’s so much easier to bike at the gym with my text book than it is to take 1-2 hours out of my day to run. I wasn’t expecting much going into the race, I just wanted to tally another short run off the list towards the NYCM 2012 9+1. Though it was cold, it wasn’t raining, which was a relief since it’s rained for every Scotland 10K I’ve ran the past few years. I met up with Steve to go through the usual pre-race rituals of bathroom, bagdrop, and stretching before we departed to our corrals.

For some unknown reason, the Scotland 10K doesn’t cap the race at 5,000 like every other CP race. So I was in the 6th corral. Usually I’m in the 2nd or 3nd. Woof. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Line up with your pace!! Also, if you KNOW you are a slow running, go in the appropriate corral! Additionally, if you are going to walk, start at the end of the race. And lastly, you don’t run 4 people across! Even though I was running it for fun and not paying attention to time, it’s completely annoying to weave through walkers and people running the width of the road. I felt good despite feeling blocked for 4 miles. Once It cleared out a bit I was able to run straight and at a comfortable pace. With a half mile to go, I realized I was about 30 seconds off pace of having a PR!!! ARGGGHHHH!!!!!

I don’t really run 10Ks so it wasn’t that difficult to run within PR reach. Please note that a 10K is 6.2 miles so I spent .12 miles weaving.
Here are the race stats:

The timing may be off

Brrrrr! Why is it still cooooooollld???

I started my day with a brisk 4 mile run through the ‘hood and cut it short to go to the gym instead. I just wasn’t mentally up to do 12 miles while wearing appropriate clothing and still having goosebumps. I was hoping to take a spin class while at the gym, but arrived a few minutes after it started. The next class was an hour later, so I ran on the treadmill, elliptical-ed, and worked with the body bar. Of course I went a few minutes over and the last class already started. Whoops! I should really pay more attention to the time. I swear that minute hand was speedier than normal!

Though I usually listen to music when I run, I get bored and antsy while listening to music while on the elliptical. I think because I’m hyper aware of the boredom of the gym and I already know the songs, so the workout isn’t exciting. Thankfully, I have Netflix on my iPhone and there is minimal buffering on 3G. While searching for the last two episodes of SNL (they changed the title from SNL: 36 to Saturday Night Life 2010′s and I just assumed 2010′s was just a compilation, not entire episodes) I saw that Ally McBeal was added. Hmmmmm.

I didn’t watch much TV in high school and college (save for Dawson’s Creek and Felicity), but I remember this show being on. Mostly I remember the criticism about the unisex bathrooms and how skinny Calista was on the show. A lot of offices I go to now have unisex bathrooms and Calista, to me, looks normal on the show. I think I kinda love the show…! I’m only two episodes in, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to get hooked. Awkward female lead who has a rain cloud following her and it’s about the legal field? I’m sold!

Speaking of legal field… I applied to something that I hope I get. I think I fit the criteria… Fingers crossed, hopefully I know something before the semester is over. Shhh, secrets.

And speaking of awkward… I thought it was over with a guy last week but we exchanged texts last night where there was some obvious confusion. Well, I don’t want anything more and I suppose he thought we were still friends. It’s been a long and tiring lead up which resulted in an ultimatum, which is usually never a good thing, but at least there’s a decision instead of the wavering that brings the ultimatum. I think I’m mostly frustrated because I had initially wanted to talk about this, like, really talk, and he balked and ignored me. So I’m done, I really can’t do any more than what I’ve already done and this has been going on for too long. In retrospect, I think I said some pretty harsh things last night. Nothing insulting, just exasperating. Sucks because what I thought was certainly over is back at an indecision. Obviously there’s more too it, but of course it’s such and awkward yet delicate situation and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m still torn if it was a mistake even starting this charade or if the mistake lies in the confrontation about where this was going.
Hmmm.

I actually like the quest, the search. That’s the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I’m having a great time and I don’t even know it.
–Ally McBeal

The banana

I am so fortunate.

Today, I brought a banana to work. Because I didn’t want to smoosh it, I carried it. I carried the banana from Brooklyn to the Empire State Building. Today was absolute madness and I didn’t get a chance to eat the banana. Since it’s the weekend, I didn’t want to leave it at work, so I carried it to Stone St., laid it on my bag while eating and drinking, then carried it back to Brookyn. I carried my banana all around New York City.

And then I gave it to a homeless man.

I am so fortunate to live here.
To have a job.
To have a best friend to confide in over multiple glasses of wine.
To have a home to come back to.
To have stress.
To be worried about finals and grades and my career.
I am SO lucky.
And though I’m very appreciative, it’s very easy to forget the luxuries I take for granted. By all means I don’t live comfortably and every day is a challenge, but I have exactly what I need.

While exiting the subway station, I passed a small plastic bag with bottles on a bench. Then a pair of shoes. Later, a jacket. Before I reached the stairs, I passed an extremely tall African American man who simply looked down and sad. No words, I just impulsively handed him my banana and he took it, smiled, and said thank you.

No matter our troubles, or how we got there, there is always someone worse off and we have the ability to help. Simple gestures, but conduct for the greater good.

Mortified

I had to speak in front of the class tonight. Kill me.

This shouldn’t be a big deal, but I suffer from social anxiety. The 90 second oral argument segment was nearly debilitating. I shook for about 30 minutes prior, felt nauseas, got cold, stumbled on my words, became beet red, and then hid in my jacket.

This was just practice for our oral argument and negotiation next week, so there shouldn’t have been any pressure. Though it was based on the appellate brief we just turned in, I blanked, relied on what I scribbled, then couldn’t read my hand writing.

Law school definitely has made me realize how troublesome my anxiety is and I’m contemplating making an appointment to try to solve it either by meetings or drugs. Whichever is quicker. I have no problem around people I know (friends) or subjects I excel in (work), but speaking on topics I waver on in front of people I only know from class, I pretty much lose my shit. I need to get it together. Sigh.

I have all intentions on sipping some wine and popping a Xanax before my two oral assignments. Don’t judge.

Fixing this isn’t as easy as some classmates recommend. I’ve ALWAYS been like this. Mostly it’s fear but also a dash of feeling that my input isn’t important. Plus, I’m more mental than verbal. It’s not that I don’t know, it’s that I don’t want to say it and I don’t want to bring attention to myself. It could be genetic, or possibly my upbringing as an only child. For years I wouldn’t speak unless spoken to and for a while I would just ignore people. I wasn’t rude, I was just extremely shy. This is also true for displaying emotions. I broke my arm when I was 8 and though I was in severe pain, once my dad and I were in public in the hospital, I was silent. No crying, no talking, no whimpering. My parent’s friends thought I was deaf because they never heard me speak. I even had a baby sitter who I never saw because I never left my room because that would mean I’d have to interact with her.

My parents realized the issue, but I had friends when we moved back to the states and I was extremely bright, so there wasn’t really a problem. My shyness just happened around groups, strangers, and adults. I think they thought I would grow out of it, but I never did. And here I am, still battling it thinking I can simply speak for 2 minutes in front of my classmates without freaking out.

I also think I’m used to it and have learned how to work around it rather than overcome it. Like, I don’t like eating in front of people I don’t know. Restaurants are fine, but if I’m with someone and they bring friends, I can’t eat. If i know I’ll be late to class or a meeting, I can’t go. I can’t walk in front of others or interrupt once something has already started. Unless I’m drunk or I know the other person or people, I can’t go to the bathroom with anyone else in the bathroom. I’ll use the stairs or walk slower to avoid getting in the elevator with someone. Of course there are circumstances that are unavoidable, but those are the preferences. It’s not that I won’t, it’s that I CAN’T.

And this is my panic rambling. Guaranteed I’ll still be bothered by this tomorrow.